B-D-S-M. Four little letters that bring so much curiosity, yet a lot of misinformation is spread about them. In this article, you’ll read about the basics of BDSM, get introduced to bondage techniques and understand everything you need to know about this fun part of the kinky world.
What is BDSM after all?
It stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism. Each of one of them can be played separately or together. But before you get into it, there are some things you need to know first.
What is bondage? Bondage is a form of sex play in which one person ties another for mutual sexual pleasure. People enjoy bondage for many different reasons - and more and more people are embracing bondage or BDSM as a lifestyle. It’s an exciting way to keep the passion alive in your relationship, to discover more about your own and your partner‘s desires, and to strengthen your mutual trust.
Negotiation and consent - they in BDSM
Be respectful and clearly know what your and your partner’s limits are before playing. BDSM relationships are all about erotic power exchange, not one person having power over another.
Make sure that you agree on a safe word and gesture that means “stop!” Just remember that any kind of “I'm unsure,” or “I don't know” in a scene is equivalent to a stop.
As a safe word you should use something that you would never say during a session - for example “rainbow.” Only then can it be clear, if it is really enough.
If one cannot speak, then a clear gesture is often used or an object is held in one hand, which can be dropped as a sign then.
Are you the dom or the sub?
Before you start define your role: In BDSM play, people can identify as dominant (also called top), submissive (also called bottom), or switch (which means that they are sometimes dominant and sometimes submissive). It might be that people stick to the same role each time they play together, or that they takedifferent roles on different occasions. In a power exchange dynamic, the irony of BDSM is that the submissive is the person in control. The dominant may cause something to trigger the stop signal and must always follow the promise to immediately stop the session. The dominant part carries a great responsibility. Being a top means teaching your partner with a gentle hand. It is your job to dominate your partner, but you must also be caring and nurturing, taking your submissive to their agreed-upon limit, but never beyond it. In this way, BDSM offers everyone the opportunity to experiment with taking and surrendering power, while always feeling safe and cared for.
Define a time and place Make arrangements with your partner for your scene. Be aware of your role during this time. For example, the dominant part may begin the session with a clear suggestion, such as: “When I come home from work tomorrow, I expect you to be naked on the bed, ready for me.” This simple suggestion will for sure cause much anticipation!
Tips and ideas to incorporate in your BSDM play
Aggressive language Words like slut, whore, jerk, wimp and fuck are all good places to start. Name calling, however, should definitely be pre-negotiated, as one slut’s turn on may be another jerk’s major turn off. Start with less aggressive language and then slowly adjust your wording to a stronger level of intensity during your bondage scene.
Sir or Madam In addition to aggressive language, a “sir” or “madam” can do wonders to set the stage. It’s a simple way to establish roles in a Dom/sub scene and keep you both involved in the fantasy.
Hair pulling A little bit hair pulling is a good way to start getting into kinky play. It’s easy and can be as gentle or as rough as you want it to be.
Biting Biting is a great entry-level way to play. But talking about marks beforehand is essential. Some people are into them and some people really aren’t, so make sure you know where your partner stands before you start chomping down.
Light Spanking Spanking is definitely a common fantasy and starting lightly is a good idea, with the option of ramping it up as you go of course. Start with hands and then incorporate the paddle from this box as you and your partner become more experienced.
Bondage Restriction can be a big part of BDSM. The hand and ankle restraints in this box are a good place to start because they’re soft and it’s hard to do real damage with them. Make sure that two fingers can be slipped between the tie and the skin in order to avoid cutting off circulation, which definitely can cause damage.
Sensation Play Lightly restrain your partner, blindfold them with the soft blindfold from this box, and then introduce various sensations with various objects. Maybe you run ice cubes over them, or you pinch them, or you give them a spank or tease them to edge of orgasm. The idea is to allow the non-blindfolded person to have control of everything that’s happening and for the blindfolded person to surrender control to them.
The importance of aftercare
We have mentioned before aftercare is an essential part of BDSM play. But what does it really mean? Since BDSM can tap into vulnerabilities, it can touch on a range of emotions and physical sensations. Aftercare is a tool to address that – after all, BDSM is all about consented, empowering play. It allows you to ease into reality after coming out of the fantasy world, and it can be customized to your needs. Some common aftercare practices include physical comforting, addressing what happened in play and what sensations it brought forth. Like everything else in BDSM, communication is key. Make sure you talk to your partner so the aftercare is tailored to their needs and remember – Doms need aftercare too! Take it easy and enjoy the ride
You are probably going to feel silly or awkward the first few times you try to tie a fancy knot or command your partner to their knees. You’re bound to make mistakes and that’s totally fine. BDSM is all about having fun and exploring new parts of desire and fantasies. Keep it all in the spirit of adventure.
Some people are not interested in anything more than using BDSM as a way to spice up sex and that’s fine. In fact, most people don’t have a Dom/sub style relationship and just like to have a little kinky sex.
You and your partner should understand what each other likes and respect agreed boundaries.
We wish you and your partner a lot of fun and would love to hear about your experiences in the comment section on the very bottom of this page!
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