Longer lasting: How to have great sex in a long-term relationship

Longer lasting: How to have great sex in a long-term relationship

How to turn a sexless relationship into a fun sexual adventure

Keeping the flame long term can be hard

Being in a long term relationship has many perks. Mutual trust, lots of memories together, and having someone “on your team” as you navigate life together are some of them… All of it while having someone to always have sex with you! At least, that’s most of us wish for. But keeping the spark in long term relationships is not always easy.
 
Once the “honeymoon phase” is gone, a lot of couples might feel like some of the lust has worn off. There’s an idea that fun, adventurous sex is reserved for relationships that have just started. This is a harmful notion, especially because it can create self-fulfilling prophecies. The mindset to approach sex in a long term relationship makes a big difference.

Why does libido go down with time?

Like we have said, that doesn’t have to be the case. However, as the routine interferes in the bedroom dynamic, couples can find it difficult to balance both worlds. Bills, children, problems with work… All of this can be very distracting and lower the quality of sex life. And then, you can find yourself in a sexless relationship.
 
Plus, there is a chemical reason; when we are entering a new relationship, there is a powerful cocktail produced by our brain that bombards us with hormones, and makes us feel a lot of excitement. This can wear off with time - however you can trick your brain into keep producing it! Just keep reading, and we will teach you how.
 
It’s also important to notice that during our lives, our libido tends to fluctuate. So, when in a long term relationship, you’ll eventually face these highs and lows. A lot of other factors - such as stress, diet, and even the use of antidepressants can cause a dip in libido. And when you are with someone for a long time, it’s okay to have some dry spells!
 
However, the myth that being in a relationship equals boring sex is just that… A myth. After all, knowing someone for years can really be an advantage when it comes to sex. Long term couples can and should have as much excitement and adventure in life as they want… And we are here to help you with that.

 

What is the harm of a sexless relationship?

Sex is a bid for connection, for acceptance, and a huge part of how we relate to ourselves and each other. According to science, a sexless relationship can have many negative effects on our mental health. It can lead to depression (just as depression leads to lower libido - which can generate a catch-22 situation), can strain mutual trust, and create resentments. Furthermore, a sudden dip in sexual activity can be an indicative of problems outside of the bedroom.

 
Science shows not only the frequency of sex in long term relationships matter, but also other factors like who initiates sex can also make a difference. But if you feel you are stuck in a rut and don’t know where to start to spice things up, fear not! We have some simple, effective and practical tips to knock your socks off!


Communication is always the base of everything

It might seem silly, but communication is the first thing you need to be good in bed. Contrary to what we are made to believe, sex shouldn’t be about performance. It should be about interaction. So opening a channel to talk openly about your fantasies and desires - as well as listening to your partner’s wishes is the best way to start this sexy adventure together. Start bringing up ideas of what you’d like to try out. Talk about the best times you had sex together - what made it special?

Sometimes, these conversations can be difficult to have. But your approach can change everything. Just remember the point is not to win the argument, but to find common ground. If you’re bothered by lack of sex in the relationship, chances are your partner is too! Just make sure to prioritize talking about your feelings and desires, instead of exchanging accusations.

Getting back on track - send the sexless ghost away!

For some couples who haven’t had sex in a while, getting back to it may feel strange. It might be helpful to set date nights and make appointments for having sex. Sounds weird, we know, but works for many to get back to the feeling of intimacy and connection once they found back to each other physically. This is also a way to prioritize quality time together and intimacy.

 

Some fun ideas to do with the partner

Apart from putting the focus back into the relationship, there are also some fun new things to try when you need to shake things up. Sometimes, trying something simple can be the spark to rekindle the flame - and find new ways to have fun with your partner!


Start with the basics - simple ideas to spice things up

  • Sexting/Sending nudes/Sending sexy audio messages - Never underestimate the power of sexting! If you are shy, just a breathy audio message, or a suggestive selfie can be effective in opening a channel to talk about sex. And don’t forget to always protect your privacy - especially when sending nudes. Make sure to not expose your face/tattoos and other features that can identify you.
  • Reading erotica or adult comics to get inspiration, watching (well-chosen) porn together  - The Internet can be your ally. There is a lot out there, and especially if you have a specific fantasy, introducing it to your partner through a video or a story can be quite sexy. Just make sure you are choosing ethically-sourced porn. And yes, that is a thing! You can read all about it here.
  • Watching video guides with practices to directly copy with your partner - Using sex guides can be great fun - and there are amazing ones on the wide web that explain step by step how to do specific sexy things with your partner. We recommend you check out The Sexfulness - where you can learn how to have mind-blowing orgasms together. 
  • Listening to erotic guides to follow their instructions - There are many sexy audio guides out there, and if you’re feeling rusty with intimacy, it might be a great way to relax into the moment. Our favorite platform for that is Audiodesires - make sure to check them out and get inspired!
  • Watching yourself having sex in the mirror - You know what they say - rearranging the furniture can change things up a lot! Why not set up a mirror next to the bed? It will give you a new and exciting perspective, plus it can be very hot to watch your bodies interacting.
  • Watching each other masturbating
    (while not being allowed to touch the other person for a while). 
    Bonus points if you tell each other how it feels!
  • Trying new positions - It might be time to pick up the Kama Sutra and get out of the routine positions. You don’t need to pick the most complicated position. Just a simple switch up can go a long way!
  • Buying some new lingerie - This is a great way for women - and men! - to feel sexy and empowered in their bodies.
  • Shopping for toys together - It can be exhilarating to browse a sex shop together. If you’re worried about privacy, you can also do it online! And if you buy a toy, it will feel like something for both of you - which will make playing with it extra special.
  • Gift them sexy vouchers
    good for oral sex, orgasm, massages, etc.… Valid for a year (or a month… or a week). 
    This is a super original and fun gift for special occasions and can spice things up for a long time.

 

Advanced techniques - incorporating kink

  • Edging - Ever heard of edging? The act of holding and denying orgasm to amplify the final sensation is a great introduction to kink. The technique consists of delaying the orgasm by stopping the stimulus right as the person is on the edge of climax. Hence the name! You can also start with counting to ten before you can orgasm when you’re really close. 
  • D/s play  - Maybe it’s time to awaken the dom/domme inside of you! If you’re interested in dominance and submission play, there are many articles at Kinky Karrot that can introduce you to this world!
  • Participating in a threesome - Bringing in a third element can be a scary step - but if you’re both open for it, it can be an amazingly hot experience. Just make sure everyone participating in the experience is comfortable with it.
  • Gender Swapping - The simple act of wearing your partner’s clothes can bring on a lot of unexpected desires and fantasies that will for sure shake things up! And if it doesn't bring you any earth-shattering insights, it can still be a fun and special experience that makes you both laugh. Which is also very nice, isn’t it?
  • Public sex - This is a very common fantasy, and yet one of the most exciting ones out there. Just make sure you do it in a way that won’t you get arrested (inside a parked car can be a good start!)
  • Joining a virtual orgy - With quarantine, many people are taking it to zoom to have sex parties. It can be a fun way to dip your toes into the scene - especially because you can mask up and protect your identity!
  • Taking sexy photos of each other - Arranging a homemade photo shoot can be a lot of fun. You can dress up (or wear nothing at all), and pose sexily for each other. And if you have a timer on your camera, you can get some clicks of you together!

 

Don’t be afraid to try new things

Just know that whatever you are going to try, honesty about your emotions, expectations, and desires is going to be essential to guarantee sex strengthens your relationship. And remember, knowing your body is very important, too! Get to know what turns you on, what gets you off, what are your boundaries and limits, and your needs in sex.
 
This will likely not only improve your sex life, but your whole relationship as a couple! A lot of times, sex is a mirror of the intimacy between two people. To be in a relationship is a mutual choice, and it requires work and commitment - but these things don’t have to be a chore.
 
It’s very important to understand long term monogamy can lead to sexual dissatisfaction - this is particularly true for women (contrary to popular belief)! But the feeling of excitement and novelty that comes in the beginning of a relationship can be recreated in long term arrangements. You just have to make space for your fantasies and desires. And if you won’t have a new person every week - you can have a new play to try!

What about you?

Are you currently in a relationship? Have you ever been in a sexless one? What are some of the techniques that you used to keep the spark long term? Which of the tips above are you excited to try now? We would love to hear all the details! Let us know and get in touch via Instagram @kinkykarrot or write us an e-mail.

written by Pimenta Cítrica

 

SOURCES FOR THIS ARTICLE INCLUDE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIUjpXAcH64

https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/scheduling-sex-could-save-your-relationship-but-theres-a-right-and-wrong-way-to-do-it

https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/advice-for-when-you-dont-feel-like-sex-in-long-term-relationship/10966554

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2016-18117-001

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-happens-when-passion-dwindles-in-a-relationship

https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/love-commitment/sex-in-long-term-relationships/

https://www.dumblittleman.com/being-in-a-sexless-marriage/

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/sexless-relationships-causes-and-how-to-fix#:~:text=When%20one%20or%20both%20people,Less%20openness%20and%20connection

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/women-get-bored-sex-long-term-relationships/582736/